When most of us think about “good connection” or quality interactions with others we think about being kind, being present, or saying the right thing.

But what if there were a way to actually measure the quality of your interactions?

In the education world, there’s a framework that looks at three powerful indicators of interaction quality: frequency, depth, and duration. I encountered this topic first through doing quality improvement work in the early childhood education space, seeing first hand how intentionality in these three factors can positively impact young children. While this tool was designed for classrooms, the concepts apply beautifully to everyday life: at home, at work, in friendships, and in romantic relationships. As I have added to my work and am now a therapist, I have found this concept to be key in creating quality interactions in everyday life. 

If you want to improve the quality of your relationships, these three lenses can change everything.

Let’s break them down.

1. Frequency: How Often Are Meaningful Interactions Happening?

Frequency asks a simple question:

How often do high-quality interactions occur?

Not just logistical exchanges like:

• “Did you take out the trash?”

   

• “What time is practice?”

   

• “Don’t forget your meeting.”

   

But real moments of connection:

• Asking thoughtful questions and expressing curiosity

   

• Checking in emotionally/ cognitively

   

• Regarding someone’s perspective and making adjustments to meet their needs/ preferences

   

In everyday life, high frequency might look like:

• Regularly asking your partner, “What are you really thinking about that?” and really seeking to understand their perspective.

   

• Often inviting your child to spend time with you through play and or everyday tasks that they can genuinely help with.

   

• Consistently showing interest in your coworker’s perspective and being willing to make adjustments to the work environment/ work flow in ways that make that better support that coworker.

   

Low frequency looks like:

• Rarely asking open-ended questions and seldom slowing down to truly listen.

   

• Only connecting when there’s a problem or requirement to connect. 

• Rarely showing positive regard for another through body positioning, emotional tone, and comments.

   

Reflection question:
If someone observed your day, how many genuine moments of connection would they see?

Quality relationships aren’t built on one powerful conversation. They’re built on repeated positive interactions.

2. Depth: How Meaningful Is the Interaction?

Depth moves beyond how often and asks:

How impactful is the interaction?

It is possible to have a very short interaction in length that is very impactful in either a positive or a negative way.

Imagine you are at your first job and your boss, who you really look up to, says “You can do this job fine, but I don’t think you are capable of much more responsibility than this”. Now imagine instead that same boss said “I can see that you have the ability to learn quickly by how you have been able to do your job well. That quality is going to serve you well in the workplace for years to come”. Both of these statements have the ability to impact you deeply, both in a positive or a negative way. 

However, what makes the depth of an interaction tricky to measure is that what is impact varies from person to person. 

For example, there are some people where a negative statement like the above would “roll off their shoulders” so to speak. Others where it would prevent them from apply for better positions in the workplace for years to come.  

That is why in order to measure the depth of an interaction, you must look at the impact that interaction has on a person. 

High-depth positive interactions:

• Lead to more openness between both parties and perceived connection

• Lead to feelings of safety, respect, and acceptedness

• Can motivate others to be their “best selfs”

High-depth negative interactions:

• Lead to one or more parties involved in the interaction to become closed off

• Can lead to feelings of defensiveness, fear, unacceptedness, and disrespect.
• Can break down another’s self esteem.

Reflection question:
Have you ever had a brief interaction with someone that really impacted you or the other person in a profoundly positive way? What about in a profoundly negative way?

In order for quality interactions to be developed, one must always look at the impact that an interaction has on a person realizing even short interactions can be deep. 

3. Duration: How Long Does the Interaction Last?

Duration asks:

How sustained are these meaningful interactions?

You might have one wonderful moment with your partner where they are giving you their full attention and trying to understand what you are saying. Maybe this wonderful moment lasts for 3 minute, then your partner proceeds to look at their phone and multitask. There may have been great depth during those 3 minutes, however, the duration was not very long; which could impact the overall quality of the interaction. 

High duration means:

• Support, curiosity, and respect are present until full resolution is found in the situation.

• Encouragement and emotional safety are sustained, not fleeting moments.

Low duration looks like:

• A brief moment of connection followed by hours of distraction or dismissal.

• One supportive response, but inconsistency afterward.

• Warmth that “doesn’t last long.”

Think about this in parenting:
If you invite your child’s perspective once, but make all decisions for them the rest of the day, the overall duration of autonomy is low.

The same applies in marriage, friendships, and leadership.

Reflection question:
Think about a relationship that is important to you, this may be one with a family member, friend, or co-worker. When was the last time you had an interaction with them that lasted longer than 10 minutes? How was that interaction different then the brief interactions you have with them in passing? 

Sustained quality builds security.

Why This Matters

Many people assume improving relationships requires learning complex communication strategies.

Sometimes, it’s simpler than that.

Ask yourself:

• Am I increasing the frequency of meaningful connection?

• Am I increasing the depth of my positive interactions?

• Am I sustaining that quality long enough for it to be a duration that is impactful?

These three lenses create a measurable way to reflect on interaction quality.

They also shift us from asking:
“Did I say/do the right thing?”

To asking:
“How did what I said/did impact those around me?”